INTROSPECTION

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale.

I sit on the edge of the bed, gasping for breath as I try to cling to sanity.

Inhale. Exhale.

As the world spins around me, I grasp my head in my hands trying to shake free of the blackness that clings to my vision. At this point, I can't even recall what triggered it. All I know is that my lungs are heavy, my chest feels like lead and my hands shake like they'll never be still again.

Inhale. Exhale.

Panic attacks. 

Dictionary meaning : A sudden feeling of acute and disabling anxiety.

What an apt description.

And yet. Even though the description is perfect. 

It's also, so underwhelming.

Anxiety, Depression. Hopelessness.

They're all just words. Squiggly lines on paper. An A here, a T there.

String them together, make a word. 

But what word, what line, can properly convey the despair and the hopelessness felt. The feeling that all happiness is beyond your reach. The bottomless pit of self recrimination and helplessness.

I'd say the closest description I've actually appreciated for anxiety and depression is JK Rowling's concept of the Dementors. Hooded figures that suck out your happiness and then devour your soul. Sound familiar? I'd say so.

Only, the scary thing is, the Dementor in reality? Yeah, it lives inside you. And you can't conjure up a spell to make it go away. All you can do is wait it out. Breathe deeply as the darkness washes over you and takes control of every sense and all you want to do it just let go. 

But hey, you have to fight it, okay?

I won't tell you there's a happy ending. A place you have to reach where this will no longer happen to you. I won't say it'll all get better if you just think positive. That attitude changes a perception and all that rot. Because that's not true. And it's definitely not helpful.

But you know what you fight for? You fight for that friend who stayed by you when the rest of the people left. You fight for those rare moments of contentment that come after a bad day turned amazing. You fight for the moments of happiness and peace you share with the person you love most. But most of all? You fight for yourself.

Because you owe yourself that. You owe it to yourself to fight because no one deserves to live with no soul. 

And if you don't, if you give in to that despair, then you're not living, you're existing, as a shell of a person. With no purpose, nothing to look forward to.

Just remember, you matter. Even if you feel worthless. Remember that you matter to someone. Always.